The Bowling Syndicate

Theorris Smash!

2011-03-06T15:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't bowled in six months, but managed a 180 first game.

Boo yeah!

Here is Catinlap throwing a mighty strike on the sixth frame (effects by Instagram):

Jeff Clark Challenge 2010!

2010-05-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

Bowling is how you do a birthday right!

While Jen prepares to throw (front), Jeff, Dustin, and Christina discuss the merits of bowling over essential beer.

Jeff steels himself for a mighty throw.

And away it goes!

Jeff did not come in last (LJ). Your esteemed correspondent came in second (TB).

Pin smash!

STERLING WINS MC7 FOR SECOND CONSECUTIVE TITLE

2009-06-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

SHATTO 39 LOS ANGELES - In a field of solid competition, it was not a given that Sterling would repeat as McCracken Classic Champion, but by day's end he posted the first undefeated record in the double-elimination era and claimed his second consecutive championship.

Two years ago at MC6 'Yonkers Joe' in Las Vegas, Sterling picked up a remarkable 7-10 split in a winner-take-all finals versus Top Gun to win his first title. MC7 'Leave' lacked that kind of drama, but Sterling did have one of those championship-defining moments when he rolled two consecutive strikes in the 10th frame to defeat McCracken by one pin, 142-141. From there it was all downhill for Sterling with wins over 1 Fast Jew in the quarterfinals and JG in the semis, where he posted the tournament's high score of 197 (it is the fifth MC where the tournament's top score was earned by the eventual victor).

JG fought back in the consolation round to meet Sterling again in the finals, but Sterling easily took the championship with a 162-127 triumph. Sterling now claims a special place in the record books: he is the only champion with two singles titles (The Heat has one single and one team victory) and he now has the most visits to the finals (four) in MC history.

Third place went to 1 Fast Jew, whose power bowling impressed until it bowed to JG's consistency in the consolation finals. McCracken placed fourth with wins over KAM, Hotate Nigiri and a 10th frame thriller over Wildcat where he rolled the split necessary to pick up the winning pins.

Thanks to the entire field for another relentless afternoon of bowling.

Bowling Socks

2009-06-27T20:44:00.001-07:00

110/365: Bowling Socks
Originally uploaded by Theorris

ANNOUNCING MCCRACKEN CLASSIC 7 / "LEAVE" EDITION

2009-06-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

It has been two years since Sterling took the MC6 "Yonkers Joe" crown in Sin City. He's back to defend the title.

Announcing MC7, featuring the cast and crew of "Leave."

You know you want it.

Theorris Smash!

2009-03-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

It has been far too long! Has bowling become obsolete? I think not.

I bowled a 207 with 6 strikes in a row in the Time Change Day Challenge!

Here's proof:

Steve Larson Classic

2008-03-27T22:28:00.001-07:00

Steve Larson Classic
Originally uploaded by Theorris

It was friend Steve Larson's birthday, so we celebrated in style at Bonwood Bowling in good old South Salt Lake City.

The girl new how to strut.

Bonwood

2008-03-27T22:26:00.001-07:00

Bonwood
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Condiment asked for it

2008-02-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

Game one of the extraordinary February Sunday league:

Not Catinlap (top score) had 199!

Game 2:
Note that I had (bottom score) 197! Holy living fuck!

What is This Shameful Non-Event That Has Become the Bowling Syndicate

2008-02-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

Bowl or die, suckas.

Cheers!

2008-02-02T22:17:00.001-08:00

Cheers!
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Happy Groundhog Day!

Bowling manifesto

2008-02-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

As a syndicate we are failing. Where are all our bowlers? Where? Where, I ask!

Sue Rich

2008-01-23T12:22:00.001-08:00

Sue Rich
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Home of Birthday Bowl-a-ramas 2, 4, and 5.

How TheOrris got his groove back

2007-11-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am C. I rock. I achieved 176 and 139 after a wonderful start of 89.

horrible

2007-07-23T22:13:00.001-07:00

horrible
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Where is my mind?

Theorris Smash!

2007-07-20T21:42:00.001-07:00

In the second somewhat annual Condiment Challenge, I, Theorris, walked away with a convincing victory. After a sly opening game of rolling 104, I proceeded to throw a 179 and a 174, using the deep magic of the dark side. (Which was basically focusing on the head pin and not throwing like a just-released mental patient.)

Condiment and Middlebrow were dismayed by my mighty throw. Shame and beer were widely appreciated.

Rolling to victory!

2007-06-11T19:41:00.001-07:00

Rolling to victory!
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Hopabout has an awesome game.

Wilhelm Classic: Game 3

2007-06-11T19:39:00.001-07:00

Wilhelm Classic: Game 3
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Hopabout just about took it.

Wilhelm Classic: Game 2

2007-06-11T19:38:00.003-07:00

Wilhelm Classic: Game 2
Originally uploaded by Theorris

his was the Croin's game. Stunning.

Wilhelm Classic: Game 1

2007-06-11T19:38:00.001-07:00

Wilhelm Classic: Game 1
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Karmaking, who has been bowling deprive for a year and a half, had some fine moments, but due to jet lag, suffered in the scoring arena. JC hadn't hit his stride and The Croin was about to go stellar. Yours truly had a fine bowl.

MC5 TITLE GOES TO THE HEAT

2007-03-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

Appearing in his second McCracken Classic, The Heat bowled to the same result: CHAMPION.

The line-up boasted a few MC regulars: Sterling, Steve McQueen, Oofta and McCracken, but also saw the rise of new foes Dick Justice and General Burnsides.

The road to the finals was paved with drama credited to the entire field, featuring eight matches decided by ten pins or less including a nail-biting first round 115-113 Sterling victory over E4. Other early matchups advanced Southtown over BROM and General Burnsides over Dick Justice. However, as with the 2005 MHI, a first round defeat does not a loser make, as Dick Justice went on to win four straight, including a stunning come from behind victory over the resurgent Sterling, before bowing to Oofta in the lower bracket semi-finals.

Oofta's path to the Finals began with a victory over Camera Queen and a tight 4 pin triumph over Steve McQueen before meeting The Heat for the first of their three head to head matches. The Heat won the first, forcing Oofta into the lower bracket, but Oofta returned in the Finals and took their second face-off to force a winner-take-all Finals showdown where The Heat's six strike performace (including four straight) was too much. On the day, The Heat scored the best average (146) and the high score (180). This marks the fourth McCracken Tournament in which the high score was bowled by the Champion, and the third in which it was made in the Finals.

Thank you to everyone for making it another fantastic tournament; every single bowler, fan and friend stayed until the Champion was declared. Special thanks goes to Janeen, who took lots of photos and cheered everyone on.

More details and pictures to come.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: MC2 IN NYC

2007-03-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

In April 2003, Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken found themselves in Manhattan on the production of "Knots," which featured daily hilarity and nightly visits to Chelsea Papaya for a few hot dogs and frozen lime treats. Somewhere in the middle of the shoot, the "Knots" faithful heard tales of the first McCracken Classic and they were inspired. With two weeks to go before wrap, the MC2 was planned.

With such a large crew, it was clear that MC2 would not be an individual competition, but a team vs. team bowling bonanza. The tournament was scheduled at Bowlmor Lanes, a hip joint in Union Square with different colored fluorescent pins (just the type of thing Condiment would hate).

Under complete Rock N Bowl conditions, the tournament began at 10pm with the most excitement ever generated for a Classic; there were team uniforms, chants and drunken trash talking. There was constant banter about East Coast bowlers vs. West Coast bowlers. And it was also the unveiling of new bowling balls for Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken (who were on the same team and were 3 of only 4 entrants who had bowled in the first Classic. Themule was the other). It was no coincidence that each of them kept a reserved tone throughout, for they knew that the Classic was a marathon, not a sprint.

After nearly four and half hours of intensity, the stage was set for a spectacular finals featuring Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken vs. Dan Abrams, Michael Campbell and Eric Zuckerman. If there was any debate over the dominant coast, it was quieted by this stat: five of the six finalists were West Coast bowlers (Zuckerman was from NYC).

In true Classic fashion, those who had been eliminated stayed until the wee hours to see the exciting conclusion. After nine frames, L, S and Mc had a combined 371, and A, C and Z were about to start their ninth frame at 361. With every roll critical, it looked to be a fantastic finish. However, just as Dan Abrams was about to start his frame, the lights dimmed and the lanes all closed with a unified THUD. It was 3am and the Bowlmor lanes had an automated shut-down that could not be over-ridden. MC2 remains the only Classic won not by the human participants but by the machines beneath the lanes.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: THE FIRST MCCRACKEN CLASSIC

2007-03-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

In eager anticipation of the MC5, here is a reprint of the MC1 Fable:

In February 2003 after several grueling nights in the Utah snow on "The First Vampire," the McCracken Classic was born. It was a 16 player tournament of rental shoes and house balls at Fat Cats in Provo (the legendary locale where "Lil' Lighting" officially became "Lintinin").

It was a competition stacked with the MC usuals: Sterling, Themule, Beefcake, Mumbly Joe (now The Condiment), Lintinin and McCracken, but it was the unforgettable bowling of a dark horse named E. Fudd that will live on in Classic lore. The lead-up of this story may be different depending on who tells it, but the bowl-tastic ending is always the same.

In the 10th frame of a semi-final showdown, Mumbly Joe finished his roll to take a narrow lead over E. Fudd: 124 to 120. With two rolls to knock down five pins and earn a visit to the finals, E. Fudd was up. Fudd was an underdog with nothing to lose; in fact, his only goal for the evening was to demolish the ever-antagonistic Script Supervisor Cop (aka SCOP), which he did in the first round. Two lanes away, Lintinin was smashing Frankler 162 - 116 in the other semi-final. Mumbly Joe was surely nervous that he had not created enough distance to meet Lintinin in the finals.

On Fudd's first roll he pulled down three pins, drawing the score closer: 124 - 123. Fudd confidently focused on his final task: dropping two pins for his third victory and a visit to the final. He approached, wound up, and at the point of release, slammed the ball into his right leg, sending it immediately into the gutter, while simultaneoulsy flopping into the lane and onto his back. Game over. Mumbly Joe wins.

In the finals, Lintinin bowled a tournament-high 165 over Mumbly Joe's 144 to win his fourth straight and capture the title of what was the first of four McCracken Classics, all in 2003.

E. Fudd was never seen again (not true).

MC5 OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

2007-03-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

It has been over three years since the last McCracken Classic.

The MC is back.

Announcing MC5: 'The Neighbor' edition.

New ball woes

2007-01-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

Well Captain Smashem or whatever the hell the name was won't be available until tomorrow at the earliest. Suck town.

Coming to a bowling alley near you....

2007-01-18T19:33:00.000-08:00

Captain Fireball! (a.k.a "Fiery Fury" or "Jean.")

Merry Xmas, yo!

2006-12-22T19:09:00.000-08:00

Lumberjack Orris
Originally uploaded by catinlap.

Q: How do you improve your bowling score?

2006-10-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Game 3 Score or NAME YOUR PINS
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

A: Don't bowl for 3 months.

Bowling on a hot day

2006-07-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

Bowling on a hot day
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Bowling on a hot day

2006-07-15T18:09:00.001-07:00

Bowling on a hot day
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Bowling on a hot day

2006-07-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

Bowling on a hot day
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Get out of the kitchen

2006-07-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jebus it is hot!
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

It is too damn hot. Let's go bowling.

Condiment Smash!

2006-06-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

After a lackluster start Condiment dominated in typical non-tournament fashion. McCracken and mediocrity are becoming synonymous....

Game 1

Condiment 115
McCracken 125

Game 2

Condiment 174
McCracken 135

The Bowling Syndicate is not extinct, by the way...Please contribute and contribute often or your name is mud.

Thought of the day

2006-06-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

We seriously need to go bowling, dudes.

Sunday bowl?

2006-04-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, anyone want to get together on Sunday afternoon for a little bowling and trashtalk?

Lis sings the praises to the Bowling Syndicate!

2006-02-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

the tension mounted...

2006-02-25T11:59:00.002-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Bowling Syndicate SLC Bowl Off!

2006-02-25T11:59:00.001-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Middlebrow catches a few ZZZs before the action begins. Condiment looks on.

Condiment rolls a strike!

2006-02-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Well maybe it wasn't a strike, but that's a much more interesting title than "Condiment rolls for 5 pins."

and happiness ensued

2006-02-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Dr. Write Busts a Move!

2006-02-25T11:57:00.000-08:00

blogger bowlarama
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Ting your Bowl

2006-02-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

The Proceedings of the Old Bailey, London 1674 to 1834: "George Mordock of Stepney was Tryed for Killing Zekiel Pool on the 25th of May last with a Ninepin Bowl , upon Tryal it appeared, that the Prisoner, and divers other persons being at Play in a Ninepin-ground, the Deceased became there an assistant in setting up the Pinns, or as a looker on, when so it fortuned, the Prisoner to Ting his Bowl to strike any Pin that was barred from access by any trundling, it struck against a Born by the way, and bounded with such force upon the Head and Shoulders of the Decessed, that he soon after Dyed, but no quarrel, nor the least malice appearing, not that it altogether happened by accident, the Jury concluded it Chance medly, and thereupon Acquitted the Prisoner ."

Need fun?

2006-02-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

Yeow!

Bowling Cured My Sciatica...

2006-01-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

...and other tales.

More later.

Get Back On That Horse

2006-01-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

146
138
162

Gene

2006-01-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

Gene
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

And these are the shoes themselves. I feel like I've shifted several decades forward when I put these on.

Wee!

2006-01-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

Gene, Gene, the Bowling Machine

2006-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

How is it that I have neglected to blog about my new bowling shoes? All hail the Dexter Genes[TM]! They are so white they could blind an Inuit. They have already added 2 pins to my game! They are so incredibly uncool and geekified that even Dexter recognized it and stopped making them.

I'm going to get me some of that shoe white that nurses use to make sure they stay as gleaming (and I assume antibacterial) as possible.

The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic

2005-12-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Your faithful Utah correspondant, Theorris Boonasty has little time to write in between holiday merry-making, so he will only be able to give a brief summary of The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic (PPP2005WCC). The crew chose the Ritz Classic in scenic downtown South Salt Lake City for this year's venue. Unlike the McCracken Classic no one was invited but four actually showed up due to a convergence in the force, or perhaps it was just a convergence in the beer.

The first games was masterfully rolled by all although your correspondant regularly complained of too long of pants, too tight of underwear and a shoe that would not stay laced. This lead him to devious trickery and attempts to through his team mates off. He soon learned the error of his ways and was brought back in line when forcefully told that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, DAMNIT.
As seen in the illustration to the right the Wilhelmians were forced into "Extreme" bowling (curses!) half-way through the tourney. The Wilheminianites were also uncerimoniously forced to change lanes from an older part (50's) of the Ritz Classic in scenic downtown South Salt Lake City to the newer part of the building (from the 60's). Much gnashing and a small amount of swearing was involved in this move, but, according to lead Wilhelm bowler Da Bone Jah, the move was for the better since "that part of the bowling alley is ghetto and smells like a toilet." Word.

Extreme bowling, for once, improved the correspondant's bowling, and he pulled out game two with a crushing 142. All bowlers, however, held their own and the tourney was a dog race or is that a horse race? Which animal works better? I've always thought that cheetahs would be the ideal creature to race, but I'm sure the image of a small child being picked out of the crowd of on-lookers by the bloodthirsty beast would prevent that from happening.
Game 3 in the dark was fair for all around, although June Bug who was unscrupulously renamed "Sweat Pea" by the usually inerrant Da Bone Jah complained of nausea. She rolled, consequently, her lowest game.

The PPP2005WCC rules (made up halfway through game 2) stipulated that the highest summ total score would be declared the winner and would be allowed to open Christmas presents first. Da Bone Jah, with 3 games of rock solid 130 bowling, took the match with a crushing 40 pin victory. Late JC and your correspondant tied for second and June Bug (Sweat Pea) came within a cheetah's whisker of taking 3rd.

Fuck extreme bowling.

Scores:

Dah Bone Jah: 402
Late JC: 362
Theorris Boonasty: 362
Sweat Pea: 356

See more pictures at flickr. I dare you.

A Special Note From the Imitator of Laughs

2005-12-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

This is a special note written by the Imitator of Laughs, who took out Teen Wolf in a suprise upset in MHI:

After the memorial 1st McCracken Tourney, the first
champion, whose name I would rather conceal from
public but Lintinin, Jam, James Mann approached me and
took me to the backstage and secretively told me, "I'm
sorry but I have to tell you something ITL (The
Imitator of Laughs). I stole your technique and won
the tourney. I knew it's wrong but I did. I'm very
sorry." I felt like I was knocked by a huge hammer in
the head and fainted on the spot. H, he stole my Zen
Bowling technique and won the championship! My sight
blacked out and then suddently the whole sequence of
the tourney came back to my mind screen. A-! Aha! I
remember that! That meditative state. That sacrid
moment of his, which I believe most participants also
witnessed. That celestial instance of his before
throwing a ball. It was derived all from my Zen
Bowling technique that the Japanese have nurtured for
millions of years!!! In that meditative second, he
absorbed all the Zen forces in the house, the forces
that I needed to win by and won his game back to
back!!! He stole not only my holy technique but also
Zen forces all at once!!! Do I still have space? Yet,
I didn't accuse him on that. I didn't take any action
agaist him. Because that's the Zen spirit. I could sue
him on account of plagiarism or violation of copyright
or something like that, but I didn't because I'm a
buddhist. Love and peace. So, in stead of accusing him
I let him go with a big warm smile because he honestly
sincerely apologized. On going back home, I called my
Zen Bowling master in Japan and told him what happened
in the tourney. He said, "you should admire his
(Lintinin's) ability and power to master Zen Bowling
technique in such a short period of time. I say he is
quite a talent. You should learn something positively
from your negative outcomes." My master always opens
my eyes. Now, I'm in the mountains to further brush up
my Zen Bowling technique. In the next tourney, I'm
sure that Lintinin and me will have an invisible
battle scrambling for Zen forces in the house. So, in
the next tourney, may Zen force be with me. Finally,
thank you McCracken and Condiment for organizing this
exciting tourney. You guys are fantastic!

Your friend,

Mr. Fueta, Imitator of Laughs

LINTININ: magnanimous in victory

2005-12-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

After his victory in this year's Holiday Invitational tournament, Lintinin would like to thank McCracken and Condiment, the organizers of the event as well as all of the excellent bowlers and sportsmen/women who came out and made this the most ferocious and unpredictable tournament in years; a true tournament of Champions (past, present and future).

And to his arch nemesis Condiment...

Lintinin.

Calling All Authors

2005-12-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

Anyone interested in submitting articles to the Bowling Syndicate should shoot me an email at

ericdanderson@mac.com

to gain posting privileges. Non-members can always post comments but those wanting a little more out of life need to go through our dauntingly formal application procedure (not so daunting, really). No essay is required, no GRE scores, nothing. We believe in open enrollment here for the failures of the world. Send us an email and you will be immediately jettisoned into the highly specialized yet burgeoning world of bowling journalism. Posts, of course, must be about bowling--in some lamely connected way.

Never forget, membership to the Syndicate is free but the benefits last a lifetime.

As always,

Your friend,

Condiment

MHI: A Photo Essay By Condiment

2005-12-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of McCracken explaining the rules to the 14-player field.

This is a picture of Batgirl's scientifically impossible 5-7-10 split. We all know that matter cannot go through matter--that two solids cannot occupy the same space--but this picture don't lie, kids. Batgirl's ball enters a wormhole and reappears somewhere behind the 5-pin. Batgirl also prevails in the first ever TIE GAME RESOLVED BY SUDDEN DEATH and converts a nifty 4-7-10 split in a later game!

This is a picture of Beefcake losing his will to live.

This is a picture of Condiment being consoled (or mocked, more probably) by The Mouth. Condiment is a non-factor, finishing a lackluster 5/6, making his patented Choke-N-Melt superfluous.

This is a picture of Oofta feeling the weight of defeat pressing down. Oofta posts a mean, median, and mode of 132 pins, with a standard deviation of 1 pin. Oofta finishes 4th.

This is a picture of McCracken considering his fate. McCracken finishes 3rd, going home with an "I Fail At Bowling" cap.

This is a picture of Disqualification Row.

This is a picture of Particle Man employing his unorthodox but highly effective low-to-the-ground style. After a debilitating first-round loss to Batgirl (in the aforementioned Showcase Showdown) he claws his way through the losers bracket, defeating six opponents in a row en route to the final.

This is a picture of Lintinin watching his huge lead slip away to Particle Man.

This is a picture of a scheming, unworried Lintinin, who knows that Particle Man must beat him twice to win the title.

This is a picture of a weeping Particle Man after learning he must bowl Lintinin AGAIN, even after crushing him once already. Note the palsied grip and mirthless laughter of a broken psyche.

This is a picture of the folks in the press box, unable to comprehend the drama unfolding in front of them.

This is a picture of an emotionally stable Lintinin after he has made the decision to no longer acknowledge the Accuscore. His glacial windup and low-impact delivery are too much for the physically battered Particle Man, posting a tournament high of 179 in the final game. Particle Man is the runner-up, receiving a very appropriate "Bowling Grinds My Soul Down To the Pulp and That Is Why I Love It So" mug as a consolation prize.

This is a picture of Lintinin shaking the hand of Commissioner McCracken. Lintinin's early boast "That chart is going to look good on my wall at home" comes to pass. Spoken like a true champion. He also goes home with an oversized "I Hate Bowling T-shirt" similar to the one Condiment wears in his Ongoing Struggle With Mediocrity.

A good time was had by all. More to come.

Lintinin wins second title at MHI

2005-12-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

On a day full of memorable moments and performances, Lintinin proved once again that he was the best of the bunch. He consistently lived up to his top seed, winning his first three games - thus allowing the rest of the pool to eliminate itself - before facing a resilient and accurate Particle Man in the finals. Needing two wins for the upset, Particle Man made a valiant attempt and won the first game but could not match Lintinin's tournament-high score of 179 in the second and final game.

Much more will be posted about our spectacular day at the lanes. For now, thank you to all who bowled and I look forward to the next one.

The Coalition of the Non-Lintinins

2005-12-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

McCracken and I met for a last-minute strategy meeting today.

McCracken bowled an intimidating 189.

Condiment bowled a 172, including an ostrich (four strikes in a row?).

Out.

The Story of Condiment -or- How Self-Nicknaming Always Goes Awry

2005-12-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

First there was Mumbly Joe, which was good but just not sticky enough.

I tried for a long time to think of a better handle, but there were difficulties. Eric Anderson is an impenetrable name and not easily made fun of or riffed upon. I thank my parents for sparing me the ridicule of a weird name, but it has come at great cost: never having a nickname, never bonding with people around a shared pet name. I knew that I had to look outside of myself for the new moniker. I thought of what I looked like when I bowled and what I would like to look like when I bowled. The two images were in conflict with each other, and from that juxtaposition came a third image, an image combining the worst of what I was with the worst I wanted to be. I saw in my dreams a man, a large man, who spoke gruff platitudes in sentence fragments. The man was huge and awkward—stiff and inflexible—and he wore a mask, and leather pants. He was loud, with a raucous laugh. He was intimidating and strange. He was the Lord Humongous from the Road Warrior.

I would christen myself as the Lord Humongous. No one could mess with the genius of this new title. I was satisfied. I was—dare I say—happy.

It was probably Lintinin who screwed it all up, probably under a minute after he first heard my new name. Yes, we as humans should have the right to self-determination, but Lintinin just wasn’t going to give me the pleasure of calling me the Lord Humongous.

He was going to call me Lord Mongo, which drew great laughter, and lots of it.

This was later shortened to Mongo.

Which became Captain Bingo.

Which became Marlon Brando.

All of this was happening outside my control, of course. Lintinin just wound it up as tightly as he could, then let my nickname spin out of control by itself and watched it smash into things and change shape. At first I experienced great frustration and rage, but then I gave in. I would be Marlon Brando. That was fine. Whatever you want, I thought. Just give me the ball and back off.

A year later I got bored with Brando and decided to name myself after the guy from the Cherry Poppin Daddies, MC Large Drink.

This became McLarge or something like that, and it wasn’t so much the cleverness of the variant that bugged me, but the fact that Sterling and the Heat and maybe even McCracken were getting such great long-lasting Ridicule Value out of frustrating my basic need to be called what I wanted to be called.

MC Large Drink only lasted one outing.

The next time I would come with an actual nickname…what Sterling had been calling me, “The Conduit of Truth,” which I earned from a lifetime of inelegant frank-talking honesty. Eric will not bullshit you, Eric is the Conduit of Truth. If you want someone to powder your ass, go somewhere else. If you want to really know the score—even if it makes you depressed and tired and mirthless—visit the Conduit of Truth.

So I showed up and typed my name into the Accuscore—the Conduit—and stepped back, proud to be bowling under such a clever handle of my own design.

“The Condiment? What’s that?” someone blurted. I can’t remember if it was Sterling or Lintinin. It doesn’t really matter who. The only thing that matters is that the mockery had already begun before I finished typing the final “t’ in my name. The Conduit—as a human and as a bowling name—was destroyed before he even came into existence.

So I have learned my lesson. I have given up. I will cease to resist. I have accepted my fate, and I have learned to love it. I will top you, ha-ha, see, you see how I will find a way to own this name, this clever name? I will outfox you all; I will embrace the name foisted upon me by hooligans and I will reestablish control over my identity. I will not experience any more nicknaming-gone-awry torment in my life. There is no room for it. This name will stay the same, for as long as I bowl.

Or until Lintinin decides to change it.

Until then,

I am,

Respectfully,

The guy you love to see Choke-N-Melt,

The man with the glass arm,

Your friend and enemy both,

The guy who tops you occasionally,

The ball-return kicker, expletive blurter, and child frightener,

Condiment.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: MC2 IN NYC

2005-12-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

Beefcake promises MHI win using 'Humility Tactics'

2005-12-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

In a phone interview earlier today, Beefcake revealed plans to enter MHI with an emphasis on luring his opponents into a false sense of security. He also said, "If horse racing is the sport of kings, then bowling should be a very good sport as well."

If Beefcake indeed competes, he will have bowled in all odd-numbered McCracken tournaments. Due to his Herculean strength while tossing a six-pound ball at pins, Beefcake was once thought to be all power but no accuracy. However, he proved doubters wrong at MC3 by rolling a 134 average as part of the Runner-Up squad with Eddie "Oofta" O'Flaherty and Eric "Marlon Brando" Anderson.

The bowling world waits to see which Beefcake will bowl in MHI.

Origin of the word LINTININ

2005-12-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been to Utah? Not Sundance, not Park City, not even Salt Lake; I'm talking about Provo. Provo, Utah; where up is down and left is right and everyone's got religion except for you.

Somewhere along the way, I found myself living in a motel behind a mall and across the street from another mall. There were many things happening inside of this motel. There was also an oft promised nary delivered free continental breakfast, though I chose to purchase my breakfast of Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins and Coffee from the adjacent gas station. There was also an Iron Skillet. A resturant aptly named after its most delictable dish of eggs and anything you might want brought to the table inside of the pan that it was cooked in. Or so I'd like to believe.

And there was Fat Cat's, an infamous spot in the lore of the Syndicate. It is not only the place where I won my first bowling title (crushing both Bat Girl and Mumbly Joe aka Condiment) but it is also a place where I rolled a spare between the legs of a man dressed as a monkey singing karoke and MCing a limbo contest all night long.

Although I made many pilgramages to this mecca of bowling history over the course of the month that I lived in that motel, one is perhaps the most significant in my mind.

I began bowling professionally at the age of 23, a year in my life which is of little significance other than this. As I quickly learned, there was nothing more imortant to a bowler (not technique, not wristbraces, not periodic ball shinings) than his name. I jumped around from name to name for a few month but nothing really stuck. By the time I made it to Fat Cat's, I was bowling under the name Lil' Lightining. It was an okay name that I had had some decent success under but it wasn't getting me noticed. What happened next was pure seredipity.

Fat Cat's is notoriously the loudest bowling alley in the world and the only bowling alley at which the people at the counter (the same ones who give you your shoes) enter your name into the automatic scoring system. I suppose that this is to prevent any adolescent name chicany like "Poop" or "Damn." But there was no other choice. Screaming at the top of his lungs, the man asked me for my name. "Lil' Lightining," I said. "Li-what?" He said. "Lightning," I tried to say over the crowd (strung out on coca-cola, dancing for and singing to one another without shame). And with that I walked off.

To this day, I don't know if that man was an angel who had flown down from heaven to intervene in bowling history or if he was just some guy who couldn't hear what I said. After picking out my house ball (the green and dangerously chipped "booger ball") and lacing up my shoes, I looked up to the screen of the automatic scoring system...

Somehow, we all get to where we're going. Some of us plot our course carefully, others let the wind carry them to their unknown destination. When I saw my name transformed (misheard? mispelled?) from something so mediocre and pedantic to something so magical and dangerous, I knew that I was to forever be called, LINTININ.

E.Fudd to return in MHI

2005-12-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

The rumors are true: E. Fudd is back. After missing three consecutive Classics, Fudd returns to the fold with this brief statement: "I need to get over that horrible day in Provo, Utah." Fudd was referring to his infamous collapse at the first McCracken Classic (see post dated 12/9/05: "CLASSIC ARCHIVE: THE FIRST MCCRACKEN CLASSIC").

As of the publishing of this article, 18 are slated to compete with two more on the bubble. There are still 20 undecided with just three days left until the tournament.

SLC Contingent in the House or Foot Smash

2005-12-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

Weekend bowling proved profitable: I actually rolled a couple of decent games with one of the cursed (cur-sed) house balls at Ritz Classic in lovely whore-bestrewn downtown South Salt Lake City. I had a fine outing initially--scoring in the mid-hundreds for the first time in several weeks (aside from my spectacular come-from-behind near-turkey to beat Senor Picky a couple of weeks ago). My score, however, dipped to a horrific low of 85 for game three, but that was simply because of an extremely distracting family placed in the lane next to us with a 4-year-old-child that was allowed to pull balls out of the ball return with no supervision and, consequently, regular ball dropping. Such tension is enough to throw anyone's game off. All of us were waiting for the child to smash his foot. Sadly, however, that did not happen.

Classic Archive: C is For Chicanery

2005-12-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

McCracken 3 (the Fighting Tommy Riley Classic) took place in Santa Monica a couple of years ago. Because of the particularly high turnout it was decided to make this one a Team Classic, and teams of three were formed to battle each other for bowling supremacy. Everyone was left to themselves to form these teams—there was no randomness or attempt toward parity or fairness or anything like that. McCracken and his cronies immediately stacked the deck in their favor and formed an elite squad and predicted victory and pooh-poohed everyone else’s misfortune as they scrambled to form teams in the aftermath. Lintinin claims he wasn’t apart of this All-Star team, so I’m not sure who the third member was. It was McCracken, Sterling, and some other formidable presence.

Your author, Condiment, bowling as The Lord Humongous (I think), formed a squad with Fast Eddie O’Flaherty (aka “The Cobra”) and explosive power-bowler Beefcake. The chicanery started with the seedings and went from there. McCracken, participating both as an event promoter and participant, had trouble juggling this conflict of interest, giving his cabal the prized number one seed and forcing my dark horsey (but feared) squad to bowl in the righthandmost lane, right up against a wall.

We were not to be deterred, however, and in the first game put up record numbers for both team and individual scores. Condiment weighed in with a personal best 211 and Fast Eddie and Beefcake rolled somewhere between 170 and 190 (I forget, I think McCracken has the scores). As a team we averaged 187 or something like that, a record that has never been approached. Say what you will about Condiment; these records speak for themselves and will never be topped.

The next game showed a slight skid, but the scores were still impressive. I believe I bowled a 190 or something in that range, but I cannot be sure. Our team average might have dropped to 170, but it was still dominant and McCracken’s cabal, while talking the usual amount of smack, was clearly worried as they squeaked their way through their frail and arthritic bracket.

We bowled the same lane for the semis and won and then two mysterious things happened: 1) Rock n Bowl commenced, right before the final, and 2) We had to change lanes while McCracken’s squad stayed on their own. Needless to say, this new lane employed lead-based pins and a rocky, unoiled surface. Pins were heavy and difficult to knock over, not to mention there were black lighting effects and seizure-inducing strobes that didn’t seem to bother our rave-attending and E-consuming opponents. The final was anticlimactic and we were crushed, with Condiment leading the meltdown. I may have not even reached 120 in the final.

At the time I petitioned the PBA for an investigation and the ABA for someone’s disbarment, but nothing came of it and they outspent me into compliance. MC3 should have an asterisk by it, but I have never noticed anything conciliatory in that regard. Just the usual gloating. It is a bitter defeat and a bitter memory. Some call it a meltdown, but where I’m from it’s called something else. It’s called chicanery and it will be revenged next Saturday. Condiment will get satisfaction…or his name isn’t Condiment.

I encourage McCracken to find all of the original scores and matchups and attempt to discredit this account by quibbling over slight inconsistencies. It is true: I am not a savant. The exact scores of that emotional evening are foggy. But the nefarious skulduggery and shocking injustice of it all and the supercilious, popinjayish, “who me”-style post-victory posturings and preenings of the McCracken cabal—and my clear memory of them—are brutally accurate. Shocking, really.

Reprint of MHI Press Release For the Benefit of the Disorganized and Scattershot SLC Contingent (authored by McCracken)

2005-12-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

ANNOUNCING THE 2005 MCCRACKEN HOLIDAY INVITATIONAL!

While the McCracken Holiday Invitational will undoubtedly be the time of your life, it is a serious tournament. Anyone who has bowled in a Classic will tell you that the final rounds equal the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. If you are not able or willing to roll with the following, please do not commit to the tournament (but feel free to drop by, roll a few games on the side, and share the good times):

1) MHI will be a single competitor tournament. If the number of entrants exceeds expectations, we may make a game-day decision to form teams.
2) MHI is a double-elimination tourney with one warm-up game; thus each bowler is guaranteed to bowl three games (or more if you continue to win).
3) Sign in, ball selection and warm-up games are between 11am and 11:45am. Anyone who arrives after 11:20am will not be permitted to bowl in the tournament. The elimination portion of the tournament will begin at approx. 12 noon (after all warm-ups and seedings are completed).
4) The entry fee is $20 per bowler and is due upon arrival at the lanes. No fee, no bowl. This will cover all tournament bowling until elimination. The fee does not cover shoes. The fee does not cover any additional bowling should you be eliminated and decide to stay and roll a few games on your own (but you are certainly welcome to do so at your expense and on a non-tournament lane).
5) Please do not commit if you plan to leave early. MHI will likely run between four and five hours for those who continue to win.
6) MHI will be the greatest sporting event in the history of the universe.

ANOTHER CONDIMENT MELTDOWN ANOTHER LINTININ VICTORY

2005-12-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

A bowling summit was held yesterday in an attempt to bring the heated rivalry between Condiment and Lintinin to a peaceful close before the start of the 2005 Holiday Invitation. The two bowlers met at the site of this years tournament, Shatto Lanes, in Koreatown, California. The peace talks (aka bowling) got underway after a rendition of "Stop the Violence" and a brief phone call by Condiment to AAA whose services were required to rescue the aging bowler's car keys from the inside of his locked car.

Perhaps as a result of the publicity surrounding this bitter rivalry, neither bowler appeared able to perform at capacity during this best of three showdown. Though there were moments of stunning brillance (a second game that opened with five combined strikes), and scores that rounded out in the one fifties (only Condiment knows that actual scores).

The most interesting development of the day was the appearance of an unusual set of weaknesses for Condiment. His inabilty to remember where to look while bowling has taken root inside of his head and appears to plauge him on a roll to roll basis. Another new development is the unveiling of Condiments "glass arm;" yes, an arm that grows weaker and more erradic the more it bowls.

Needless to say, Condiment's explosive form backfired when it was most needed. His failure to capitalize on Lintinin's mistakes, cuppled with his inner mind problems and topped off with the weakening of his aging bowling arm, lead to yet another victory for Lintinin. And though there were plenty of other distractions abound, there was no rock n bowl on which Condiment could blame his loss.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: THE FIRST MCCRACKEN CLASSIC

2005-12-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

In eager anticipation of the McCracken Holiday Invitational on December 17th, this week will be devoted to sharing memories of Classics past.

In February 2003 after several grueling nights in the Utah snow on "The First Vampire," the McCracken Classic was born. It was a 16 player tournament of rental shoes and house balls at Fat Cats in Provo (the legendary locale where "Lil' Lighting" officially became "Lintinin").

It was a competition stacked with the MC usuals: Sterling, Themule, Beefcake, Mumbly Joe (now The Condiment), Lintinin and McCracken, but it was the unforgettable bowling of a dark horse named E. Fudd that will live on in Classic lore. The lead-up of this story may be different depending on who tells it, but the bowl-tastic ending is always the same.

In the 10th frame of a semi-final showdown, Mumbly Joe finished his roll to take a narrow lead over E. Fudd: 124 to 120. With two rolls to knock down five pins and earn a visit to the finals, E. Fudd was up. Fudd was an underdog with nothing to lose; in fact, his only goal for the evening was to demolish the ever-antagonistic Script Supervisor Cop (aka SCOP), which he did in the first round. Two lanes away, Lintinin was smashing Frankler 162 - 116 in the other semi-final. Mumbly Joe was surely nervous that he had not created enough distance to meet Lintinin in the finals.

On Fudd's first roll he pulled down three pins, drawing the score closer: 124 - 123. Fudd confidently focused on his final task: dropping two pins for his third victory and a visit to the final. He approached, wound up, and at the point of release, slammed the ball into his right leg, sending it immediately into the gutter, while simultaneoulsy flopping into the lane and onto his back. Game over. Mumbly Joe wins.

In the finals, Lintinin bowled a tournament-high 165 over Mumbly Joe's 144 to win his fourth straight and capture the title of what was the first of four McCracken Classics in 2003. There were no Classics posted in 2004 or 2005.

E. Fudd was never seen again (not true).

2005 Holiday Classic Planning

2005-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

There hasn't been a Classic since December 2003 (MC4, or "Bomb, thumbs up, 3 papers"). It is time to resurrect the Classic.

Before we get started with the invitations, I pose to you, the Syndicate, the following suggestions and look forward to developing more ideas and a plan for execution:

1) Tournament to take place on December 17, 2005 in the early afternoon at Shatto 39 (tournament time approx. 4 hours)
2) If we get between 40 - 48 entrants, we go with a 3-player team format. Less than 40, we go with a single competitor format.
3) Since there is no formal production to initiate a players list, and in the hopes of creating a big event, we open the tournament to all previous Classic participants - including those who worked on those productions but were unable to initially compete.
4) Given the high possibility of flakiness, we accept only pre-paid entrance fees in order to a) guarantee attendance and b) create the bracket prior to the tournament.

These are just some thoughts to get us started. I'd like to send out invitations no later than 12/7 if we like the 12/17 Tournament Date.

Mid-B and the bowling of yesterday

2005-11-30T05:41:00.000-08:00

Bring it on SoCal Syndicaters, the SLC Crew is growing strong! Last night the regular folks were joined by Middlebrow of Middlebrow fame and now formally known as Picky to all those in the syndicate. After a self-admited nervous gutterball, Picky rolled a deft set, rolling 135 for the first game and a graceful 148 for the second. I yanked out a chicken in the tenth frame of the second game and bowled a 151. Snowza. I'll let Picky elaborate.

When is the inter-West bowl off?

Bowling More at Chelsea Pier

2005-11-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

Even though my twelve year old cousin tried to warn me against it, I went for some solo bowling yesterday at the sacred shrine that is the chelsea pier. What makes the pier such an important place in the history of me bowling is that not only was its pro shop the hallowed grounds on which my ball was given to me (Lord bless McCracken) but its lanes also served as the synthetic water through which S.S Lightning took her maiden voyage and a few successive voyages, including a few under the heavy influence of multiple Rockstars. (May Sterling find his way home soon...).

This bowling outing marks the first time that I have attempted to bowl without my faithful ball and shoes. Let it be said here first that for those of us who are fortunate enough to have such things, there is no going back to house balls or shoes.
My first roll found me flat on my face and with a ball in the gutter after the enormous amount of friction between my shoes and the floor (which was probably covered with baby snot or child goo of some sort) coupled with inertia and a few of the simpler laws of thermodynamics. It then took me a whole game to figure out the best way to adjust my approach. I ended up taking a few steps, stopping and then throwing the ball...

Now, I don't need to tell anybody on this blog about the horrors of the house ball. So I will just leave it at that. I did not bowl well at all. And although the scores were humbling, they were also embarrassing and frustrating.

So in conclusion, I recommend two things: 1) don't bowl at chelsea piers (I know that I did not go into this, but imagine all of the things that are horrible about PINZ, like the children's birthday parties and egregious prices and multiply it by any integer).
2) if you've got them, rock them! (balls and shoes of course).

LINTININ

p.s The Cat Box says hello.

Bowlers

2005-11-26T07:29:00.000-08:00

Bowlers
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

While we were bolwing last night, I was suddenly struck by a photography project: catch the reaction people display after they turn around from throwing the ball. It would be a tough project in that people would be insecure at first and play to the camera. I would need to norm them to it over several sessions like they norm animals to blinds when doing wilderness photography. Perhaps I would need to set up a blind in the bowling alley: a suitably disguised pro-shop thing or something.

Anyway I am quite amused by reactions that some folks display. There are the insecure "I don't know what I am doing looks" to the insecure "I am a cocky son-of-a-bitch" looks. Most of it, however, involves insecurity.

For myself, I tend to be quite the expressive bowler and yell and swear (when no small children are present.)

Long time no nothing

2005-11-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

I know that time passes and that sometimes it moves by fast and sometimes slow. But lately the days have gone whizzing by; whole days, days that I do not squander, days that wake me up with the morning light and knock me out just before the new dawn. Days that just pass on by.

It has been a long time since I've been bowling. And a long time since I've posted about bowling. Or any bowling related rivalries. What does this mean? Hopefully the period of time after thanksgiving and before the Christmas Classic will be full of bowling. It will have to be if we (or me) are/am to succeed at thrwarting Mongo's latest attempt at a championship.

By god, THE CHRISTMAS CLASSIC. What are the match ups? Where are the rankings? Will Mongo ever be number one? Perhaps this is the season. There has been no talk.

What are we doing?

Merch!

2005-11-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

In a comment below the big E. mentioned that it would be great if someone made '"I hate bowling" T-shirts make their way into existence. Or "I fail at bowling" or something like that. Or "Bowling grinds my soul right on down and that is why I love it so."' Well what do you know!

I just need 6 other guys with problematic bodily functions and be 3.5 feet shorter and I'll have quite a bowling squad

2005-11-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

I was coming down with a cold on Tuesday night and because of that and pointless worrying about a subject not worth mentioning here, I got a sum total of about an hour's sleep. Now even an hour's worth of sleep can be quite refreshing, but this sleep was cat-nappish and as I am not a cat, it did me little good. All yesterday, therefore, I was in that I've got a cold and I haven't slept daze; everything seemed set on edge. I was happy to get back from the College and crash for a few hours. Ah to sleep. Perchance to dream of…

"Jen and Dustin and I are thinking of going bowling." It was housemate who is not in Jamaica. I was on the downstairs crashed in front of the TV watching poker (where the world tournament of bowling, I ask you? Surely it is far more interesting than watching some nerd winning a million bucks?)

"Sure," I said in the still not enough sleep stupor. It took me only a second to debate whether I should go.

So we went to the usual Sue Rich and we all rolled some pretty fine games; well all except housemate JC who had a cut on his thumb that until he sucked it up and decided to play through the pain and then managed to pull out consecutive strikes and some killer 9th/10th frame finales.

June Bug's score was equally respectable. She squared up and took 5 or six strikes in toto. She has developed a wicked curve that often sneaks in at the last second and hits the head pin and then swoops through the back 9 in angry rhino fashion.

My scores were better than my usual of late, but nothing to jump up and sing happy hallelujah for. Let's just say that I averaged over 120 and had my strongest game with a 138. That sucks in comparison to what I was bowling earlier this year, but good for the equipment (a ball named Roy) that looked to be older than me. I was noticeably sleepy in that way that is nearly painful, but it gave me the certain focus I have been lacking of late on some throws.

The surprise for the night was Dustin who proclaimed openly and loudly "I hate bowling" ever time he stood up and bowled strike after strike. (It was a good fake and worked on getting his focus down.) Dustin has one of those wicked across the lane spare shots that was dead on as well. He sagged a little bit in the middle when he stopped his pre-roll incantation, so he took it up again and it worked and he rolled several more strikes.

The iPod Experiment

2005-11-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the Shatto 39 and bowled three games with my iPod on, as kind of an experiment to see if different music enhanced or detracted from my very excellent bowling game.

1. Elbow "Leaders of the Free World" -- 168
2. Muse "Absolution" -- 152
3. Elliot Smith "Figure 8" -- 157

Average: 159

The results are inconclusive, but I will say one thing: I predict Condiment will smash Lintinin in the upcoming Showcase Showdown or my name isn't Marlon Brando!

Party and non-party bowling: two for the price of 2

2005-11-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Update: said housemate uploads some pictures to his blogathing.

1) Sunday night one of my housemates had a "I'm sick of this job so I quit" party thrown by the very company his is quitting. It was quite nice of them to honor him in such a way even though he is leaving them, but, hey, he's a pretty cool guy and they know that they are losing a good worker. The important part of the this "I hate you even though you love me party" was that after a few tasty eats at said company we hot-footed it to Olympus Hills Bowling Alley (the lanes are to the far, far right of the picture in the big square building--not the Dan's) for four reserved lanes. It was late by the time we got there and due to that, the time change, and the previous night's Halloween events Senor Orris was extremely tired and bowled like crap. We're talking, once again, under 100 crap. I just couldn't feel it and sat alone, head in my hands, trying to stay awake. I couldn't really abandon the party, however, as it was nice of them to have it and I did not wish to disappoint said housemate.

Housemate, on the other hand, bowled an extraordinary set of games: 185/169. He claimed later that he was nervous with all his fun-loving ex-coworkers around. I wish nervousness increased my abilities like it does his.

2) Last night, however, out-of-work Housemate rolled crap. I, however, felt a bit better but still didn't do that great, but certainly better than Sunday. I bitched about the ball I was using (it kept snagging my thumb) so I switched and did marginally better. In the second game, Housemate picked up a bit and rolled a turkey. This improvement, however, was soon sunk by a donught/3 pin pickup combo that sent House into an emotional tailspin.

My game never improved and never got worse. Things could be worse. Oh yeah.

The highlight the night was the guy in the lane next to use who managed to bowl quite consistently with good scores while chatting with his cell phone held to his ear.

Asshole.

Time-Based Fee System

2005-10-31T03:26:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid Pops used to take us on Sunday mornings to the Daffodil Bowl in Puyallup, Washington. I would prepare for this by watching the PBA tour on ABC on Saturday afternoon, right before Wide World of Sports. The PBA tournaments had the most bizarre made-for-TV structure: After all of the preliminaries, the top five finalists would play four games to decide the overall winner. That is, the number five seed would play the number four seed and the winner would play the number three seed. The winner of that would play the number two seed and the winner of that game would bowl against the number one seed for the championship.

So if you are the #1 seed then you only have to win one game to win the prize money but if you are the #5 seed then you have to win four games in a row! Seems hardly fair, but whatever. But it was during those years when I came to idolize the lefty nerd Earl Anthony and his graceful dominance. There were epic battles against his nemesis, a skinny and swarthy mustachioed man named Willie Mosconi. That couldn’t have been his name because that’s a legendary pool player, but it was something like that. I always rooted for the southpaw and his wholesome bowling and good sportsmanship. Mosconi was clearly a rogue. Most of the time Anthony won and good prevailed. But not always.

On Sundays Pop would take us to the Daffodil Bowl at around 9 in the morning. This seems totally implausible, but I remember (erroneously perhaps) that we bowled under a time-based fee system. That is, we’d pay (Pops would pay, I mean) for two hours of bowling. We owned the lane for two hours and however many games we could bowl was our business.

So we’d freak out and bowl four or more games…

Maybe it didn’t happen this way but it seems like it was this way for a while.

I would like to propose a return to this system. Of course, this would wreak havoc on glacial bowlers like Lintinin, who is in perpetual risk of delay-of-game warnings. At Lintinin’s pace, he’d probably only get one game in every two hours. So this is very interesting to me because it pits Lintinin’s love of the game and Lintinin’s desire to bowl more games with Lintinin’s desire for quality and good scores.

It is not unlike Heat’s Conundrum: Bowl Sober or Bowl Well?

I encourage the Syndicate to lobby your local bowling stadiums to return to a Time-Based Fee System. A return to the Golden Years, The Halcyon Days of Speed Bowling.

Think of it.

.50 vs The Game

2005-10-30T23:33:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, I am very sorry to hear about the loss of Gramby Joe, the snow loving, blanket eating dog. We've all heard the hilarious stories and misadvnetures and our hearts have all sunk with his passing.

Secondly, I believe that we are witnessing the birth of a public rivalry more volatile than 50cent versus The Game. Bigger than Biggie vs Tupac...More classic than Apollo vs Rocky and Hulkster vs The Macho Man Randy Savage put together...

...I will get my just desserts...You will top nothing!

Farewell, Gramby Joe

2005-10-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

A friend just took a job in Florida that will remove him from LA for at least two years. It is likely that he will never return (if you left LA, would you come back?). In celebration of his new job and to say goodbye, Heidi and I decided to take him bowling, where we could talk and mow down some pins.

Moments before the start of our game, I got a call from my mom that my thirteen year old dog, Gramby Joe, had just passed away back in Pennsylvania. Gramby Joe was a good friend. Heidi asked if I wanted to leave, and at first I did, but then I realized that there was no better way to spend those moments of sorrow than with special people doing something that I love. Gramby would have wanted it that way.

McCracken: 161, 135 (ave: 148)
Blanche: 73, 126 (ave: 99.5)
Wilma: 81, 103 (ave: 92)

Thanks for some great times, Gramby. You were much loved and will be missed.

Halloween at the Chateau?

2005-10-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

Any you MIBs want to get humiliated by Condiment on Halloween? Come to the Chateau if you don't have anything better to do (ie wife, date, party, ESPN, shampooing, snacking).

You bums need to post more, by the way.

Witness the New Condiment if you dare, Unstoppable Killing Force that he is. (I'm talking to you, Lintinin).

World Series of Bowling

2005-10-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ok so yes, I was bored as fuck by the last game of the World Series. I should have stuck it out and watched the 8th inning wizbangery, but the real passion called: let's roll. So June Bug, the Late JC and I abandoned the couch and headed out to the aforementioned Sue Rich. A solid night or average bowling ensued. None of us fell below 120 (well mostly) and we all had key strikes and key moments.

These are the nights when you appreciate real sport.

Ride the Bus to the Super Bowl

2005-10-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Remember when Michael Jordan wore #45 for a few weeks after his un-retirement? He just wasn't the same. But eventually he saw his error and went back to #23 and then won three more Championships.

Well, following yesterday's outing, I have the following two announcements:
1) McCracken is my new full-time starter.
2) LDB will be benched.

On a similiar note, I make these two requests of Steelers' head coach Bill Cowher (who is of course reading this blog):
1) Make Jerome (the Bus) Bettis your starting tailback.
2) Bench Willie Parker.

I am out of sports analogies for now. Just rest assured that McCracken is back.

P.S. the road to the Super Bowl goes through Pittsburgh

Humongous v. Schizoid LDB/McCracken

2005-10-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

Here are the scores:

Game 1
LDB 77
Humongous 144

Game 2
McCracken 132
Humongous 147

Averages
LDB 77
McCracken 132
LDB/McCracken 104.5
Humongous 145.5
Humongous/Humongous 145.5

Notes;

Humongous bowled three strikes to start game 2 and marked six of the first seven frames before the meltdown occurred.

McCracken bowled well, LDB needs to have his license revoked.

Weather: Sunny and uneventful

Get you out of the house

2005-10-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Minneapolis/St.Paul this week:

What's the first thing I look for in my travel guide. You got it!

I think they could have mustered up a more exciting intro line, however.

Chance Meeting

2005-10-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

On this illustriously wet and rainy day in beautiful Southern California I decided to partake in a little bowling. I decided this around eleven am and proceeded to call Lintinin. Well needless to say he had work to attend to. So then I called Sterling only to receive his voicemail. After two failed attempts to have a buddy bowler I decide solobowl is better than nobowl.

The Shatto is pretty dead when I get there (It’s a Monday afternoon for god sake.) I pay for my three games up front and head to lane 31. The Heat is entered as my name and I don my shoes. I am still attempting this new technique of bowling that the denim clad man has passed on to me, so I take my time, roll and get nine. I begin to think about what I am doing when out of the corner of my eye I notice a large ominous figure getting some shoes. I slowly walk towards this figure feeling as though I have seen this person before. The figure turns and I see who it is, and with a smile the Condiment says hello.

I say Condiment to you only because that is how he is known, but on this day the Condiment has taken to an alias. Captain Bingo. At first I wondered if this was some new strategy or just plain old good-natured fun. But then I said to myself it has to be the latter, because there is no strategy associated with the Condiment, only bowl.

Captain Bingo is now entered into lane 31 underneath The Heat and another wonderful day at the Shatto had begun. Still working out the kinks in my new form I ended game one with a 113. Captain Bingo was right there with me in score until the tenth frame. He rolled and got a strike which gave him 106. Next ball he rolled and got eight. He had won already, but still one more ball to roll. I must tell you this, no one not even the Condiment could have guessed what would happen next. This was a game of strikes every once and a while but no spares whatsoever. Until. Captain Bingo rolled his last ball, hit the two pins to pick up the spare, and then turned in angered happiness over his win, when suddenly the power went out. Pitch Black. Scientist will for many years argue over what the actual cause of this brief power loss was. Was it the sheer power of Captain Bingo or was it the fact that a spare was picked up causing the Accu-score machine to have a slight hiccup which in turn caused all of the processing power available to Accu-score to be accessed at one time in turn boosting its power consumption needs and briefly shutting down power at the Shatto? Who knows? But once order was restored Accu-score still had the score of the game on the screen. The Heat 113. Captain Bingo 116.

Game two was all Captain Bingo. I still attempting this new technique bowled a respectful 137. Bingo 168.

Game three. I started getting somewhat of a hang of this new technique, but of course there were times of shame. On one instance I took my back swing and nearly dropped the ball behind me. Luckily I mustered enough strength to bring the ball forward and directly into the gutter. I ended with a 140. As for Bingo his game was not going so well. He states that he was trying to aim and if anyone has pitched before they should know that to aim is not good, just throw. Bingo ended with I believe a 110 or 111. I am not sure. I do, however, know that our averages were about the same for the day.

The Heat 130 Average
Captain Bingo 131.6666666 Average

Once again the Shatto comes through with another good post. So now the question is when are all of the LA contingency of the syndicate going to meet up for a bowl?

The horror

2005-10-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Horrible time bowling last night. Nothing was going down right. Meh.

LDB

2005-10-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

One sunny ☹ LA weekday, Heidi (my wife) and I were walking in our quiet neighborhood and strolled upon a small yard sale hosted by a nice old woman. There were no interested buyers present. I have rarely found anything truly worthy at a Los Angeles yard sale, so it was without much interest that I glanced over her collection of undesirables. But before we could cross to the next property line, something caught my eye: a 1950’s era bowling bag of white and baby blue. You know the kind: shaped like a gumdrop, dual plastic handles on the top and a zipper that rolls from one bottom corner all the way up through the handles and back to the other bottom corner.

Yes, I already had a bag (given to me as a memorable gift by that silver-clad syndicate fellow, Sterling) and I was not looking for a new one. But this bag was just sitting in the grass, looking for a home, like a lost puppy.

Heidi and I secretly agreed that $15 was an acceptable price to pay since it was pretty freaking cool.

“How much for the bowling bag?” I asked.
“How about two dollars?” the nice old lady replied.

Now, this may only make sense to people living in LA, NY and Tokyo, but to be outside during the day and to spend two dollars on that bowling bag would actually cost us LESS than to NOT spend the two dollars and continue walking.

I gave her 2 (two) single United States of America Dollars, and with that, I snatched the plastic handles, eager to go - but when I straightened my back to stand, the bag held to ground with the force of, let’s say… 14 pounds?

“Is there a ball in here?”
“Yes.”

I unzipped the bag to find a well-kept burgundy large ball with the initials L.D.B. proudly engraved. For obvious reasons, I felt a presidential aura flowing from the bag.

“Is the ball included in the price?”
She smiled kindly. “Yes,” as if it were obvious.

My exterior demeanor hadn’t changed, but my mind was going through convulsions of Mt. St. Helens proportions. Although the odds were low that LDB would fit either of our hands, this was still too good to be true.

And so, it became official: the finding and purchase of LDB rose to the top of our Good Deal List (topping the time the Arclight gave us four free tickets because they spliced the fifth reel of Spiderman 2 upsidedown).

We postponed the rest of our walk to return home for an immediate inspection of LDB. Our findings:

1) LDB was accompanied by a few penciled score cards that showed the old woman (named Lorraine) was an average 200 bowler. She also rolled with some equally talented women with equally strong bowling names (Beatrice and Florence for example).
2) The $2 bargain also included one of those handled cloths that you can hold your ball in and rock back and forth to wipe it clean.
3) The most stunning revelation of all: LDB fit my hand just like my custom-drilled ball, McCracken (a generous gift from the Lord of the Ring: Lintinin), but slightly heavier.

This presented a new dimension to my universe: could I become one of those guys who solo-bowls with two balls? Although we’ve all made our guesses as to why one would want two balls (perhaps different weights for late-game fatigue or maybe the need for a different spin to hit that one pin that the other ball could not), I wasn’t so sure having two balls would be a good thing.

And I still don’t know.

I’ve not had many opportunities to roll with LDB, but I will say that my recent bowling has been lackluster. I speculate that my bowling with two balls is similar to games where the Steelers try to use two running backs equally in one game; neither back is able to get in the flow of the game and thus two backs with 15 carries each is worse than one back with 30 carries.

My bowling miscues may have less to do with LDB and the Steelers running game than with this troubling truth: I do not bowl enough.

And with that, I support J’s call for action and look forward to a syndicate gathering soon. I’ll bring McCracken and LDB and we’ll get to the bottom of this.

Heat Here

2005-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

First off I would like to say Hello to all that are a part of this amazing online bowling community. And now to the blog.

So I have been reading all these blogs and actually feeling upset and jealous. Upset because I haven't been bowling in a while and jealous because all of you are bowling. So today I went to Shatto 39 to get my bowl on.

It was nice. I walked in around noon o'clock to a loud Shatto, but not loud in the good way. There was a large amount of young hooligans playing video games. No one was bowling. You might be thinking that this is a tragedy. Well you would be right. I went up to the cashier and said, "I am here to bowl." His reply, "Pick a lane and its yours." Ah, if life were only this easy. As I walk to a lane I notice that the lanes are slightly oily. I am the first to bowl that day so I know that they have just oiled them that morning so wherever I go it will be an interesting bowl with my spin.

I sauntered up to lane 8. I donned my Lucky Strike bowling shoes and picked up The Heat. After typing in my name, I made my approach. Two short steps, three a little quicker, then the release. My right foot kicks back with authority and hits the ball return. Gutter ball. Okay no big deal first bowl of the day. I try again. Once again my leg hits the ball return. I hit three pins. Already off to an amazing start. This goes on for 5 frames. Finally I tell the cashier I need to switch lanes. Lane 9 is now home to the Heat. I bowl slightly better, but still very bad. Game one 83. Yes an 83. At least I beat McCracken by ten pins (Images of a Disgraceful Afternoon post).

Game two 117. By now there have been a small group of kids bowling. They bowled about two games then left. Then some teenagers came in and bowled one game. At this point I am into game three. Things are about the same as game two and I end with a 119. Game four 134.

I begin game five with a spare. I notice that a man clad in denim has chosen to sit behind me. I begin to feel a little weird. I don't know if it is the desire to do good while someone watches me bowl or a weirdness that some random dude has decided to watch me bowl. I try not to look back at him. So after each roll I do that backwards walk as if you are contemplating what you just did with the brief glances to the score board. As of now I am bowling the best that I could that day. Eighth frame a spare. Ninth a strike. Tenth a nine (7-2). 147. I turn around somewhat happy with it, however still upset with the idea that I may have lost it. Then I realize that the denim clad man with a breast pocket filled with GPC cigarettes is motioning to me. I walk up to him. He begins to critique my game. I take it in stride, but he is making some great points. He then walks me to the ball return and begins to motion what I am doing wrong and what I should be doing.

Fifteen minutes later he says, "Well there you go, but I don't want to mess you up. Just think about it. Do what you want." And then he leaves. Some good tips that he game me are:

1-Make your approach slow and steady as well as your release.
2-Keep your shoulders squared up.
3-If you are missing the head pin to the right move more right. If you miss the head pin to the left move more left. (small moves maybe a board or two.)
4-Make your first game the one where you figure out the lane. Try the middle,bowl. Try the left, bowl. Try the right, bowl.
5-When you make these slight adjustment to the right or left never be afraid of the gutter. Because there is no reason to be.

So I bowled one more game with these new tips. Not my best of the day at a 121, but it was the most consistent bowl of the day. I hope that some of you can use these tips to help your game and if you would like instruction just go to the Shatto during the day. The cashier tells me that the denim man is a regular that hangs around and plays video games. Maybe he'll stop by your lane and give you some advice.

Not the greatest day of bowling but one of the more interesting days of bowling.

This is The Heat signing off.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY RING?

2005-10-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

This is the ring that was bestowed upon me following my crushing victory over
a young Marlon Brando in the much talked about Provo Classic. I believe it was given to me by a saint. Or some type of winged man.
From what I can tell, this ring is the key to my success as a bowler. Destroy this ring and you will destroy all that is great about Lintinin.

"Wicked Frame"

2005-10-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ten-pin bowling - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "It is common knowledge that the vast percentage of bowlers bowl a 'strike' on their first frame. This is known as a 'wicked frame', or commonly referred to as beginners luck."

Is that really common knowledge wikipedia? I mean come on, , I had no idea and others I asked had no idea. Even google seems to have no idea what the hell you are talking about, wik. I mean I don't disagree that I probably throw strikes first frame quite often, but is it really statistically established?

By the way, that wikipedia entry on bowling seems a little bit underdeveloped. Want to get on that Condiment?

Attention MIBS

2005-10-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

i just figured out how to leave a "note" for people to read. i put the original "note" or "thought", if you will, in the wrong place (something about a disgraceful tuesday), but through the amazing technology of this so-called "intranet", i was able to "cut-and-paste" the "note" again below.

THE END

i don't know about all this cyber hoo-ha, but it reminds of a song which i would like to share with you...

Reunited and it feels so good...

The McCracken International Bowling Syndicate (yeah, you know who you are) is long overdue for a meeting of balls. let us reunite.

quick. like a bunny.

Condiment a No-Show

2005-10-11T14:32:00.001-07:00

Typical erratic behavior from the Condiment. That guy.

These are my scores. (Marlon doesn't have a hard time finding a ball like the condiment-seems like a lot of excuses from that guy).

Game 1 148
Game 2 135
Game 3 173
Average 152

Stanley Kowalski

Tuesday Afternoon Masochism?

2005-10-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about hitting the Shatto tomorrow afternoon (Tuesday the Somethingth) if anyone was to join me. You will witness a great rage flow like a violent wind from Condiment's face (and other impressive things).

Rip it up! Bowling the Wilhelm Way.

2005-10-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well lookie here: Rip it up! Bowling the Wilhelm Way. Note the larger QuickTime file is actually the one cued for web streaming, so it might be viewable faster. Wilhelm is the name of my house.

Thursday Night Bowling at Sue Rich Lanes

2005-10-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

June Bug, Da Bone Jah, The Late JC and I arrived at Sue Rich Lanes in good old SLC around 9 to find the place completely empty. As you can see, Sue Rich is one of the last of the small bowling alleys with only 12 lanes. It is surprising that a place like Sue Rich can compete against the mega-plex bowling alleys. It is undoubtedly because the family has owned the alley for many years and the overhead is not too eggregiously high even if you only have leagues playing Monday through Wednesday.

We were given lane 8, smack dab in the middle. June Bug quickly found a suitable ball. It took me a bit longer, but I found a ball I called the General because of its 5 stars with the hope that as a 16 pounder it would do me well:

All this, of course, made me realize again the necessity of getting my own ball. The Late JC and Da Bone Jah had their own ball and prepared it adequately:

LJC and DBJ share Homer, the ball we bought JC for his birthday back in May.

Our first game was a bust. I won it with a pathetic 114. We all broke a hundred, but it certainly didn't bode well for the night.

Luckilly, our next game picked up. The Late JC won with an awesome 181, while I managed to pull my first strikes of the night and a slew of spares to get a 150. JC had a turkey and a half. Da Bone Jah and June Bug's scores also improved.

Not a bad round and I was feeling a hell of a lot better afterwards. My posture was right, but the General just didn't have much bounce to get me the strikes I needed.

Our final game was more average. JC fell off his high from the previous game, but June Bug and Da Bone Jah found their form. I had a middling 132 to carry out a solid 2nd place finish overall.

Not a bad night, in all. Not a great one but well worth the effort.

As we were leaving I spied a rather interesting ball in the pro shop:

I might just have to get it since it would represent my crash-and-burn style rather well, I think.

League of Ordinary Gentlemen

2005-10-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

Three things to note about this movie:

United States of Entertainment.
Big bellied beer drinkers.
Microsoft millionaires to the rescue.

Read about League of Ordinary Gentlemen and watch the trailer.

Oh and it has live action of Nixon bowling and a clip from Bill Clinton being sour about the lack of American participation in bowling leagues.

Images of a Disgraceful Afternoon

2005-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the Mecca. Note the high hard shadows of the noonday sun:

This is a picture of the sniggering, supercilious Juan Sabado:

This is a picture of game one. Sabado beats McCracken by 58 pins and Condiment by 67:

This is a picture of Juan Sabado finessing his frail 13lb ball into some inexplicably explosive pin action:

This is a picture of game two. McCracken scores an all-time low 73:

This is a picture of a--for lack of a better word--disghausted McCracken. He is ready to tear the building apart in a blind rage...or fall asleep.

This is a picture of Sabado bowling another strike. How I hate him:

This is a picture of McCracken accepting his fate:

This is a picture of the Loser Bowl (a McCracken/Condiment spinoff). Condiment barely clears 100.

Daily averages:

Juan Sabado 165
Condiment 117.333333
McCracken 100.33333

As Lintinin likes to say, Condiment smash!

The Bowling Sonnet

2005-10-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

When I first came to Utah in 1998, I took a poetry class from a formalist who required everyone to write sonnets. I think it was the first sonnet I had ever written. It was about bowling. It went something like this:

Catholic Night at Big Junction Bowling Alley

All the grown up choir boys are here,
wearing crosses and Virgin Mary pins.
Each tells the story of his highest score,
like a sinner taking measure of his sins.
For each of them, league night is confession,
the trespasses of their days made tangible.
When pins fall, it's not bowling, it's redemption,
a need that Hail Marys can't fulfill.
Every Strike dissolves a strike (adultery?),
and every Spare spares them a wrong they've done.
For every ball they throw they feel less guilty.
And each bowls against his sins: one on one.
And every frame they play enacts their goal:
The fallen swept away and brought back whole.

Condiment may feel that sonnets are too high brow for this low brow endeavor, but the Bowling makes the sonnet middlebrow.
I plan on taking Son bowling this weekend, so hopefully I'll have some news soon. Some real low brow bowling news, I mean.

SCOUTING REPORTS from the SHATTO

2005-10-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY, OCT 4

McCracken - coming off of a long haitus and extended road trip, this one time formidable champion, showed severe signs of wear and tear. His one time trade mark moves like the "hat throw," "first down gesture" and the unforgettable "get-that-out-of-here kick" were not on display and his sparring use of his namesake ball was also disappointing. Needless to say, an intense Rocky style rehabilitation/montage is neccessary if he wishes to retain his crown.

Condiment - still suffering emotionally from the numerous tournament defeats, Condiment (whose choice to drop the word "The" from his name is a wise one) continues to bowl with an enormous and angry force that is well on its way to ensuring a long over due victory. However, his persistant use of house balls (rotating between as many as nine) is a serious
factor in his varied degrees of success.

Juan Sabado - bowling for the pride of his nation and showing obvious signs of espresso and coffee overload, Juan's much talked about sure footed approach seemed to have eluded him in the early goings. But as hot young champions-in-making will do, he was able to regain his poise and finish his day in a quiet and respectable manner. Viva Sabado!

The Rize of Metaphor

2005-10-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

In response to an earlier post: it was stated that many people believe that their sport (or whatever sport it is that they are waxing on) is a like life. That is to say that people find a metaphorical connection between sports and life. Now the point was made that bowling is NOT like life and that is what is so great about it.

Perhaps bowling is just a game where you roll a ball at some pins and then stuff happens.

I would argue that this might be the case BUT I think what people are doing when they say that their sport is like life (whether it be baseball or bingo) is this: the recipe for success has a few key ingrediants (passion, persistance, patience and concentration). Maybe I am leaving some out or maybe I am including too many but the point is - and the reason that both golf and log rolling are like life - is that these elements tend to play a big part in the success of anyone doing anything and being successful at it. And so for this reason (fill in the blank) is a lot like life.

Monday 2pm Solobowl

2005-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been experiencing some middle-age form of ADD. Perhaps this is a side effect of my latest Caffeine Reduction Act--perhaps there are other forces at work. Whatever it is I just can't focus. In light of Lintinin's tragic burglary and subsequent bowling catharsis, I decided to hit the Shatto 39 for some afternoon solo bowling to clear the head. The Solobowl isn't something I've ever done in my lifetime, but hey, I'm always up for trying new things, and if Lintinin can do it, then so can I, durn it.

The only other guy there was an old Korean man, also there by himself. He watched me and I watched him. He was hobbly and a little gimpy and took long breaks between balls, but I saw him nail a wicked 4-10 split and when I applauded he looked at me and nodded without breaking a smile. Then he sat down.

This is a picture of him, the other Solobowler:

Today I couldn't find a house ball that worked. I have the problem of having big hands with skinny fingers and prominent knuckles. My knuckles usually get stuck in balls 14 lbs and lighter and they swim around in the holes drilled for 16 lb ball throwing behemoths. I'd love to use a little pink or orange ball (preferably swirly, if not glittery), but I can't jam my fingers into these lighter balls and my actual hand spread is far too large. So I usually end up with a dull black cannonball with sausagefinger holes and a bunch of scuff marks. This one said "Clarence" and had a little star above it. Clarence was big and heavy and gave me good pin action but the holes were too large and I couldn't take a proper backswing because:

1. The ball was too heavy
2. The ball would slide off my fingers if my backswing cleared 45 degrees.

So I came with a truncated, arm-bent backswing and the results were mediocre:

Game 1: 144
Game 2: 146
Game 3: 159

But at no point could I really control the ball with any degree of accuracy. For a game like bowling, this is bad:

The turning point was the 6th frame of the 2nd game:

I clipped the spare attempt and slid the 2-pin over a few inches, but it did not fall. If I would have made that spare and struck in the seventh, then I would have marked in six out of seven frames....That would have given me 107 after six with a strike going into the eighth, which could have put me close to 200.

But then that would break the precedent of the late-game choke that the Condiment is famous for.

This is a picture of The Condiment bowling by himself at the Shatto 39 in the middle of the afternoon:

Presidential bowling

2005-10-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

More Nixon bowling! I always thought that Nixon had a bowling alley installed in the White House and that was where the pictures were taken. Apparently, however, the bowling alley is in the Executive Office Building. This is clearly where the other Nixon photo used as an icon for THE SYNDICATE comes from too. Several sites claim that a private bowling alley exists in the White House, but a Smithsonian site states that the alley that Truman had installed was dismantled. No official sites proclaim the White House alley's existence. There is an obscure reference to the Bush twins ordering sandwiches for the bowling alley when their grand father was president. If that alley is in the Executive Office building, it would make more sense why then First Lady Barbara Bush would have objected to the request.

Ultimately I refuse to believe that a bowling alley is tucked away somewhere in the White House. It is a fine fantasy to hold, but a fantasy at that.