The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic

The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Your faithful Utah correspondant, Theorris Boonasty has little time to write in between holiday merry-making, so he will only be able to give a brief summary of The Parley P. Pratt 2005 Wilhelm Christmas Classic (PPP2005WCC). The crew chose the Ritz Classic in scenic downtown South Salt Lake City for this year's venue. Unlike the McCracken Classic no one was invited but four actually showed up due to a convergence in the force, or perhaps it was just a convergence in the beer.

The first games was masterfully rolled by all although your correspondant regularly complained of too long of pants, too tight of underwear and a shoe that would not stay laced. This lead him to devious trickery and attempts to through his team mates off. He soon learned the error of his ways and was brought back in line when forcefully told that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, DAMNIT.
As seen in the illustration to the right the Wilhelmians were forced into "Extreme" bowling (curses!) half-way through the tourney. The Wilheminianites were also uncerimoniously forced to change lanes from an older part (50's) of the Ritz Classic in scenic downtown South Salt Lake City to the newer part of the building (from the 60's). Much gnashing and a small amount of swearing was involved in this move, but, according to lead Wilhelm bowler Da Bone Jah, the move was for the better since "that part of the bowling alley is ghetto and smells like a toilet." Word.

Extreme bowling, for once, improved the correspondant's bowling, and he pulled out game two with a crushing 142. All bowlers, however, held their own and the tourney was a dog race or is that a horse race? Which animal works better? I've always thought that cheetahs would be the ideal creature to race, but I'm sure the image of a small child being picked out of the crowd of on-lookers by the bloodthirsty beast would prevent that from happening.
Game 3 in the dark was fair for all around, although June Bug who was unscrupulously renamed "Sweat Pea" by the usually inerrant Da Bone Jah complained of nausea. She rolled, consequently, her lowest game.

The PPP2005WCC rules (made up halfway through game 2) stipulated that the highest summ total score would be declared the winner and would be allowed to open Christmas presents first. Da Bone Jah, with 3 games of rock solid 130 bowling, took the match with a crushing 40 pin victory. Late JC and your correspondant tied for second and June Bug (Sweat Pea) came within a cheetah's whisker of taking 3rd.

Fuck extreme bowling.

Scores:

Dah Bone Jah: 402
Late JC: 362
Theorris Boonasty: 362
Sweat Pea: 356

See more pictures at flickr. I dare you.

A Special Note From the Imitator of Laughs

This is a special note written by the Imitator of Laughs, who took out Teen Wolf in a suprise upset in MHI:

After the memorial 1st McCracken Tourney, the first
champion, whose name I would rather conceal from
public but Lintinin, Jam, James Mann approached me and
took me to the backstage and secretively told me, "I'm
sorry but I have to tell you something ITL (The
Imitator of Laughs). I stole your technique and won
the tourney. I knew it's wrong but I did. I'm very
sorry." I felt like I was knocked by a huge hammer in
the head and fainted on the spot. H, he stole my Zen
Bowling technique and won the championship! My sight
blacked out and then suddently the whole sequence of
the tourney came back to my mind screen. A-! Aha! I
remember that! That meditative state. That sacrid
moment of his, which I believe most participants also
witnessed. That celestial instance of his before
throwing a ball. It was derived all from my Zen
Bowling technique that the Japanese have nurtured for
millions of years!!! In that meditative second, he
absorbed all the Zen forces in the house, the forces
that I needed to win by and won his game back to
back!!! He stole not only my holy technique but also
Zen forces all at once!!! Do I still have space? Yet,
I didn't accuse him on that. I didn't take any action
agaist him. Because that's the Zen spirit. I could sue
him on account of plagiarism or violation of copyright
or something like that, but I didn't because I'm a
buddhist. Love and peace. So, in stead of accusing him
I let him go with a big warm smile because he honestly
sincerely apologized. On going back home, I called my
Zen Bowling master in Japan and told him what happened
in the tourney. He said, "you should admire his
(Lintinin's) ability and power to master Zen Bowling
technique in such a short period of time. I say he is
quite a talent. You should learn something positively
from your negative outcomes." My master always opens
my eyes. Now, I'm in the mountains to further brush up
my Zen Bowling technique. In the next tourney, I'm
sure that Lintinin and me will have an invisible
battle scrambling for Zen forces in the house. So, in
the next tourney, may Zen force be with me. Finally,
thank you McCracken and Condiment for organizing this
exciting tourney. You guys are fantastic!

Your friend,

Mr. Fueta, Imitator of Laughs

Calling All Authors

Anyone interested in submitting articles to the Bowling Syndicate should shoot me an email at

ericdanderson@mac.com

to gain posting privileges. Non-members can always post comments but those wanting a little more out of life need to go through our dauntingly formal application procedure (not so daunting, really). No essay is required, no GRE scores, nothing. We believe in open enrollment here for the failures of the world. Send us an email and you will be immediately jettisoned into the highly specialized yet burgeoning world of bowling journalism. Posts, of course, must be about bowling--in some lamely connected way.

Never forget, membership to the Syndicate is free but the benefits last a lifetime.

As always,

Your friend,

Condiment

MHI: A Photo Essay By Condiment

This is a picture of McCracken explaining the rules to the 14-player field.



This is a picture of Batgirl's scientifically impossible 5-7-10 split. We all know that matter cannot go through matter--that two solids cannot occupy the same space--but this picture don't lie, kids. Batgirl's ball enters a wormhole and reappears somewhere behind the 5-pin. Batgirl also prevails in the first ever TIE GAME RESOLVED BY SUDDEN DEATH and converts a nifty 4-7-10 split in a later game!



This is a picture of Beefcake losing his will to live.



This is a picture of Condiment being consoled (or mocked, more probably) by The Mouth. Condiment is a non-factor, finishing a lackluster 5/6, making his patented Choke-N-Melt superfluous.



This is a picture of Oofta feeling the weight of defeat pressing down. Oofta posts a mean, median, and mode of 132 pins, with a standard deviation of 1 pin. Oofta finishes 4th.



This is a picture of McCracken considering his fate. McCracken finishes 3rd, going home with an "I Fail At Bowling" cap.



This is a picture of Disqualification Row.



This is a picture of Particle Man employing his unorthodox but highly effective low-to-the-ground style. After a debilitating first-round loss to Batgirl (in the aforementioned Showcase Showdown) he claws his way through the losers bracket, defeating six opponents in a row en route to the final.



This is a picture of Lintinin watching his huge lead slip away to Particle Man.



This is a picture of a scheming, unworried Lintinin, who knows that Particle Man must beat him twice to win the title.



This is a picture of a weeping Particle Man after learning he must bowl Lintinin AGAIN, even after crushing him once already. Note the palsied grip and mirthless laughter of a broken psyche.



This is a picture of the folks in the press box, unable to comprehend the drama unfolding in front of them.



This is a picture of an emotionally stable Lintinin after he has made the decision to no longer acknowledge the Accuscore. His glacial windup and low-impact delivery are too much for the physically battered Particle Man, posting a tournament high of 179 in the final game. Particle Man is the runner-up, receiving a very appropriate "Bowling Grinds My Soul Down To the Pulp and That Is Why I Love It So" mug as a consolation prize.



This is a picture of Lintinin shaking the hand of Commissioner McCracken. Lintinin's early boast "That chart is going to look good on my wall at home" comes to pass. Spoken like a true champion. He also goes home with an oversized "I Hate Bowling T-shirt" similar to the one Condiment wears in his Ongoing Struggle With Mediocrity.



A good time was had by all. More to come.

Lintinin wins second title at MHI

On a day full of memorable moments and performances, Lintinin proved once again that he was the best of the bunch. He consistently lived up to his top seed, winning his first three games - thus allowing the rest of the pool to eliminate itself - before facing a resilient and accurate Particle Man in the finals. Needing two wins for the upset, Particle Man made a valiant attempt and won the first game but could not match Lintinin's tournament-high score of 179 in the second and final game.

Much more will be posted about our spectacular day at the lanes. For now, thank you to all who bowled and I look forward to the next one.

The Coalition of the Non-Lintinins

McCracken and I met for a last-minute strategy meeting today.

McCracken bowled an intimidating 189.

Condiment bowled a 172, including an ostrich (four strikes in a row?).

Out.

The Story of Condiment -or- How Self-Nicknaming Always Goes Awry

First there was Mumbly Joe, which was good but just not sticky enough.

I tried for a long time to think of a better handle, but there were difficulties. Eric Anderson is an impenetrable name and not easily made fun of or riffed upon. I thank my parents for sparing me the ridicule of a weird name, but it has come at great cost: never having a nickname, never bonding with people around a shared pet name. I knew that I had to look outside of myself for the new moniker. I thought of what I looked like when I bowled and what I would like to look like when I bowled. The two images were in conflict with each other, and from that juxtaposition came a third image, an image combining the worst of what I was with the worst I wanted to be. I saw in my dreams a man, a large man, who spoke gruff platitudes in sentence fragments. The man was huge and awkward—stiff and inflexible—and he wore a mask, and leather pants. He was loud, with a raucous laugh. He was intimidating and strange. He was the Lord Humongous from the Road Warrior.

I would christen myself as the Lord Humongous. No one could mess with the genius of this new title. I was satisfied. I was—dare I say—happy.

It was probably Lintinin who screwed it all up, probably under a minute after he first heard my new name. Yes, we as humans should have the right to self-determination, but Lintinin just wasn’t going to give me the pleasure of calling me the Lord Humongous.

He was going to call me Lord Mongo, which drew great laughter, and lots of it.

This was later shortened to Mongo.

Which became Captain Bingo.

Which became Marlon Brando.

All of this was happening outside my control, of course. Lintinin just wound it up as tightly as he could, then let my nickname spin out of control by itself and watched it smash into things and change shape. At first I experienced great frustration and rage, but then I gave in. I would be Marlon Brando. That was fine. Whatever you want, I thought. Just give me the ball and back off.

A year later I got bored with Brando and decided to name myself after the guy from the Cherry Poppin Daddies, MC Large Drink.

This became McLarge or something like that, and it wasn’t so much the cleverness of the variant that bugged me, but the fact that Sterling and the Heat and maybe even McCracken were getting such great long-lasting Ridicule Value out of frustrating my basic need to be called what I wanted to be called.

MC Large Drink only lasted one outing.

The next time I would come with an actual nickname…what Sterling had been calling me, “The Conduit of Truth,” which I earned from a lifetime of inelegant frank-talking honesty. Eric will not bullshit you, Eric is the Conduit of Truth. If you want someone to powder your ass, go somewhere else. If you want to really know the score—even if it makes you depressed and tired and mirthless—visit the Conduit of Truth.

So I showed up and typed my name into the Accuscore—the Conduit—and stepped back, proud to be bowling under such a clever handle of my own design.

“The Condiment? What’s that?” someone blurted. I can’t remember if it was Sterling or Lintinin. It doesn’t really matter who. The only thing that matters is that the mockery had already begun before I finished typing the final “t’ in my name. The Conduit—as a human and as a bowling name—was destroyed before he even came into existence.

So I have learned my lesson. I have given up. I will cease to resist. I have accepted my fate, and I have learned to love it. I will top you, ha-ha, see, you see how I will find a way to own this name, this clever name? I will outfox you all; I will embrace the name foisted upon me by hooligans and I will reestablish control over my identity. I will not experience any more nicknaming-gone-awry torment in my life. There is no room for it. This name will stay the same, for as long as I bowl.

Or until Lintinin decides to change it.

Until then,

I am,

Respectfully,

The guy you love to see Choke-N-Melt,

The man with the glass arm,

Your friend and enemy both,

The guy who tops you occasionally,

The ball-return kicker, expletive blurter, and child frightener,

Condiment.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: MC2 IN NYC

In April 2003, Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken found themselves in Manhattan on the production of "Knots," which featured daily hilarity and nightly visits to Chelsea Papaya for a few hot dogs and frozen lime treats. Somewhere in the middle of the shoot, the "Knots" faithful heard tales of the first McCracken Classic and they were inspired. With two weeks to go before wrap, the MC2 was planned.

With such a large crew, it was clear that MC2 would not be an individual competition, but a team vs. team bowling bonanza. The tournament was scheduled at Bowlmor Lanes, a hip joint in Union Square with different colored fluorescent pins (just the type of thing Condiment would hate).

Under complete Rock N Bowl conditions, the tournament began at 10pm with the most excitement ever generated for a Classic; there were team uniforms, chants and drunken trash talking. There was constant banter about East Coast bowlers vs. West Coast bowlers. And it was also the unveiling of new bowling balls for Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken (who were on the same team and were 3 of only 4 entrants who had bowled in the first Classic. Themule was the other). It was no coincidence that each of them kept a reserved tone throughout, for they knew that the Classic was a marathon, not a sprint.

After nearly four and half hours of intensity, the stage was set for a spectacular finals featuring Lintinin, Sterling and McCracken vs. Dan Abrams, Michael Campbell and Eric Zuckerman. If there was any debate over the dominant coast, it was quieted by this stat: five of the six finalists were West Coast bowlers (Zuckerman was from NYC).

In true Classic fashion, those who had been eliminated stayed until the wee hours to see the exciting conclusion. After nine frames, L, S and Mc had a combined 371, and A, C and Z were about to start their ninth frame at 361. With every roll critical, it looked to be a fantastic finish. However, just as Dan Abrams was about to start his frame, the lights dimmed and the lanes all closed with a unified THUD. It was 3am and the Bowlmor lanes had an automated shut-down that could not be over-ridden. MC2 remains the only Classic won not by the human participants but by the machines beneath the lanes.

Beefcake promises MHI win using 'Humility Tactics'

In a phone interview earlier today, Beefcake revealed plans to enter MHI with an emphasis on luring his opponents into a false sense of security. He also said, "If horse racing is the sport of kings, then bowling should be a very good sport as well."

If Beefcake indeed competes, he will have bowled in all odd-numbered McCracken tournaments. Due to his Herculean strength while tossing a six-pound ball at pins, Beefcake was once thought to be all power but no accuracy. However, he proved doubters wrong at MC3 by rolling a 134 average as part of the Runner-Up squad with Eddie "Oofta" O'Flaherty and Eric "Marlon Brando" Anderson.


The bowling world waits to see which Beefcake will bowl in MHI.

E.Fudd to return in MHI

The rumors are true: E. Fudd is back. After missing three consecutive Classics, Fudd returns to the fold with this brief statement: "I need to get over that horrible day in Provo, Utah." Fudd was referring to his infamous collapse at the first McCracken Classic (see post dated 12/9/05: "CLASSIC ARCHIVE: THE FIRST MCCRACKEN CLASSIC").

As of the publishing of this article, 18 are slated to compete with two more on the bubble. There are still 20 undecided with just three days left until the tournament.

SLC Contingent in the House or Foot Smash

Weekend bowling proved profitable: I actually rolled a couple of decent games with one of the cursed (cur-sed) house balls at Ritz Classic in lovely whore-bestrewn downtown South Salt Lake City. I had a fine outing initially--scoring in the mid-hundreds for the first time in several weeks (aside from my spectacular come-from-behind near-turkey to beat Senor Picky a couple of weeks ago). My score, however, dipped to a horrific low of 85 for game three, but that was simply because of an extremely distracting family placed in the lane next to us with a 4-year-old-child that was allowed to pull balls out of the ball return with no supervision and, consequently, regular ball dropping. Such tension is enough to throw anyone's game off. All of us were waiting for the child to smash his foot. Sadly, however, that did not happen.

Classic Archive: C is For Chicanery

McCracken 3 (the Fighting Tommy Riley Classic) took place in Santa Monica a couple of years ago. Because of the particularly high turnout it was decided to make this one a Team Classic, and teams of three were formed to battle each other for bowling supremacy. Everyone was left to themselves to form these teams—there was no randomness or attempt toward parity or fairness or anything like that. McCracken and his cronies immediately stacked the deck in their favor and formed an elite squad and predicted victory and pooh-poohed everyone else’s misfortune as they scrambled to form teams in the aftermath. Lintinin claims he wasn’t apart of this All-Star team, so I’m not sure who the third member was. It was McCracken, Sterling, and some other formidable presence.

Your author, Condiment, bowling as The Lord Humongous (I think), formed a squad with Fast Eddie O’Flaherty (aka “The Cobra”) and explosive power-bowler Beefcake. The chicanery started with the seedings and went from there. McCracken, participating both as an event promoter and participant, had trouble juggling this conflict of interest, giving his cabal the prized number one seed and forcing my dark horsey (but feared) squad to bowl in the righthandmost lane, right up against a wall.

We were not to be deterred, however, and in the first game put up record numbers for both team and individual scores. Condiment weighed in with a personal best 211 and Fast Eddie and Beefcake rolled somewhere between 170 and 190 (I forget, I think McCracken has the scores). As a team we averaged 187 or something like that, a record that has never been approached. Say what you will about Condiment; these records speak for themselves and will never be topped.

The next game showed a slight skid, but the scores were still impressive. I believe I bowled a 190 or something in that range, but I cannot be sure. Our team average might have dropped to 170, but it was still dominant and McCracken’s cabal, while talking the usual amount of smack, was clearly worried as they squeaked their way through their frail and arthritic bracket.

We bowled the same lane for the semis and won and then two mysterious things happened: 1) Rock n Bowl commenced, right before the final, and 2) We had to change lanes while McCracken’s squad stayed on their own. Needless to say, this new lane employed lead-based pins and a rocky, unoiled surface. Pins were heavy and difficult to knock over, not to mention there were black lighting effects and seizure-inducing strobes that didn’t seem to bother our rave-attending and E-consuming opponents. The final was anticlimactic and we were crushed, with Condiment leading the meltdown. I may have not even reached 120 in the final.

At the time I petitioned the PBA for an investigation and the ABA for someone’s disbarment, but nothing came of it and they outspent me into compliance. MC3 should have an asterisk by it, but I have never noticed anything conciliatory in that regard. Just the usual gloating. It is a bitter defeat and a bitter memory. Some call it a meltdown, but where I’m from it’s called something else. It’s called chicanery and it will be revenged next Saturday. Condiment will get satisfaction…or his name isn’t Condiment.

I encourage McCracken to find all of the original scores and matchups and attempt to discredit this account by quibbling over slight inconsistencies. It is true: I am not a savant. The exact scores of that emotional evening are foggy. But the nefarious skulduggery and shocking injustice of it all and the supercilious, popinjayish, “who me”-style post-victory posturings and preenings of the McCracken cabal—and my clear memory of them—are brutally accurate. Shocking, really.

Reprint of MHI Press Release For the Benefit of the Disorganized and Scattershot SLC Contingent (authored by McCracken)

ANNOUNCING THE 2005 MCCRACKEN HOLIDAY INVITATIONAL!

While the McCracken Holiday Invitational will undoubtedly be the time of your life, it is a serious tournament. Anyone who has bowled in a Classic will tell you that the final rounds equal the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. If you are not able or willing to roll with the following, please do not commit to the tournament (but feel free to drop by, roll a few games on the side, and share the good times):

1) MHI will be a single competitor tournament. If the number of entrants exceeds expectations, we may make a game-day decision to form teams.
2) MHI is a double-elimination tourney with one warm-up game; thus each bowler is guaranteed to bowl three games (or more if you continue to win).
3) Sign in, ball selection and warm-up games are between 11am and 11:45am. Anyone who arrives after 11:20am will not be permitted to bowl in the tournament. The elimination portion of the tournament will begin at approx. 12 noon (after all warm-ups and seedings are completed).
4) The entry fee is $20 per bowler and is due upon arrival at the lanes. No fee, no bowl. This will cover all tournament bowling until elimination. The fee does not cover shoes. The fee does not cover any additional bowling should you be eliminated and decide to stay and roll a few games on your own (but you are certainly welcome to do so at your expense and on a non-tournament lane).
5) Please do not commit if you plan to leave early. MHI will likely run between four and five hours for those who continue to win.
6) MHI will be the greatest sporting event in the history of the universe.

CLASSIC ARCHIVE: THE FIRST MCCRACKEN CLASSIC

In eager anticipation of the McCracken Holiday Invitational on December 17th, this week will be devoted to sharing memories of Classics past.

In February 2003 after several grueling nights in the Utah snow on "The First Vampire," the McCracken Classic was born. It was a 16 player tournament of rental shoes and house balls at Fat Cats in Provo (the legendary locale where "Lil' Lighting" officially became "Lintinin").

It was a competition stacked with the MC usuals: Sterling, Themule, Beefcake, Mumbly Joe (now The Condiment), Lintinin and McCracken, but it was the unforgettable bowling of a dark horse named E. Fudd that will live on in Classic lore. The lead-up of this story may be different depending on who tells it, but the bowl-tastic ending is always the same.

In the 10th frame of a semi-final showdown, Mumbly Joe finished his roll to take a narrow lead over E. Fudd: 124 to 120. With two rolls to knock down five pins and earn a visit to the finals, E. Fudd was up. Fudd was an underdog with nothing to lose; in fact, his only goal for the evening was to demolish the ever-antagonistic Script Supervisor Cop (aka SCOP), which he did in the first round. Two lanes away, Lintinin was smashing Frankler 162 - 116 in the other semi-final. Mumbly Joe was surely nervous that he had not created enough distance to meet Lintinin in the finals.

On Fudd's first roll he pulled down three pins, drawing the score closer: 124 - 123. Fudd confidently focused on his final task: dropping two pins for his third victory and a visit to the final. He approached, wound up, and at the point of release, slammed the ball into his right leg, sending it immediately into the gutter, while simultaneoulsy flopping into the lane and onto his back. Game over. Mumbly Joe wins.

In the finals, Lintinin bowled a tournament-high 165 over Mumbly Joe's 144 to win his fourth straight and capture the title of what was the first of four McCracken Classics in 2003. There were no Classics posted in 2004 or 2005.

E. Fudd was never seen again (not true).

2005 Holiday Classic Planning

There hasn't been a Classic since December 2003 (MC4, or "Bomb, thumbs up, 3 papers"). It is time to resurrect the Classic.

Before we get started with the invitations, I pose to you, the Syndicate, the following suggestions and look forward to developing more ideas and a plan for execution:

1) Tournament to take place on December 17, 2005 in the early afternoon at Shatto 39 (tournament time approx. 4 hours)
2) If we get between 40 - 48 entrants, we go with a 3-player team format. Less than 40, we go with a single competitor format.
3) Since there is no formal production to initiate a players list, and in the hopes of creating a big event, we open the tournament to all previous Classic participants - including those who worked on those productions but were unable to initially compete.
4) Given the high possibility of flakiness, we accept only pre-paid entrance fees in order to a) guarantee attendance and b) create the bracket prior to the tournament.

These are just some thoughts to get us started. I'd like to send out invitations no later than 12/7 if we like the 12/17 Tournament Date.